Attachment theory is fascinating because it offers insights into how we connect with others and helps us understand ourselves better. Since everyone has relationship struggles—whether with partners, family, or friends—it's no surprise that John Bowlby’s attachment theory resonates so deeply.
Once we discover it, we often feel excited, as if it will explain all the reasons we are the way we are, why we do the things we do, and why we struggle with certain social situations.
While attachment theory can shed significant light on our behaviors—especially in intimate relationships—it’s important to avoid common pitfalls when interpreting and applying it. This post will help you avoid some of the most common mistakes people make when they first learn about attachment theory and the four attachment styles.
If you're already familiar with Bowlby's work, use this guide to check whether you're on the right track. Take a step back and reflect if you've fallen into any of these traps in the past.
10 Mistakes You Might Make While Learning About Attachment Theory
1. Overestimating Your Issues
Everyone has problems in their relationships. Nobody is perfect, and neither are our circumstances. Conflict is inevitable; there will be times when you feel misunderstood, underappreciated, frustrated, or unhappy. But that doesn’t automatically mean you have an attachment disorder.
Approximately one in three people has an insecure attachment style, but that means two out of three people do not. Experiencing issues doesn’t necessarily mean you have an attachment problem.
2. Blaming Your Parents
Even if you do have some mild attachment issues, don’t rush to blame your parents. Attachment styles are largely formed in the first year and a half of life, and it’s not productive to look back on your childhood trying to pinpoint how your parents neglected or rejected you.
Parents generally do the best they can with what they have, and attachment is about the quality of relationships, not parental flaws. If your parents were anxious or dismissive themselves, you might have picked up on that. Attachment styles are more about the quality of the parent-child bond rather than parental intent or capability.
3. Seeing Things in Black and White
Attachment styles are not absolute; they exist on a spectrum. You may have traits of both preoccupied and dismissive attachment while still generally being securely attached. It’s not all or nothing. You can be secure and still show elements of other attachment styles—life is rarely that binary.
4. Ignoring Other Factors Affecting Your Relationships
Attachment theory is foundational, but it’s not the whole story. Attachment is pre-cognitive, meaning it forms before we can think or rationalize. If you’re dealing with anxiety, it may be rooted in cognitive or learned behavior rather than preoccupied attachment. Factors like Early Maladaptive Schemas can also contribute to relationship anxiety.
5. Labeling Yourself and Others
Attachment theory isn’t meant to put people in rigid categories. Classifying someone’s attachment style is a clinical tool, not a label for everyday use. The goal is to understand and improve relationship patterns, not to box yourself or others into fixed roles. A label can be limiting and doesn’t account for individual growth or variability.
6. Focusing Only on the Negative
Attachment work is not about finding flaws—it’s about understanding strengths and weaknesses. Each attachment style, even the insecure ones, has positive traits. For example, those with preoccupied attachment can be incredibly nurturing. Focusing solely on the negative aspects misses out on these strengths.
7. Misunderstanding Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment is a mix of anxious and avoidant traits, often resulting from significant trauma. It’s important not to assume you have a disorganized attachment style just because you relate to aspects of both anxious and avoidant behaviors. Disorganized attachment involves deep, often unrecognized trauma, and it’s unlikely that someone with this style would be simply self-reflecting—they would need substantial therapeutic intervention.
8. Taking Self-Diagnosis Too Seriously
It’s common for people new to psychology to over-identify with disorders or issues they learn about—the same goes for attachment. While online quizzes are fun and informative, they are not diagnostic tools. Attachment interviews are complex and require specialized training. Be cautious about self-diagnosing.
9. Diagnosing Everyone Around You
Attachment theory can make a lot of sense of human behavior, but resist the urge to label everyone around you. It’s tempting, but also simplistic, to assume you understand other people’s deep-rooted attachment styles. Instead of diagnosing, use your knowledge to cultivate empathy and support for others.
10. Being Unrealistic About Treatment
Healing attachment issues takes time and consistent effort. Reading about attachment theory is informative, but it’s not a substitute for therapy. Real transformation often requires professional guidance and commitment over time. The good news is that anxious and avoidant attachments are treatable, with the right approach.
Final Thoughts
Attachment theory is incredibly insightful, but it’s not straightforward. Use this insight wisely, and be mindful not to fall into the common traps we’ve discussed. In summary, try not to:
Overestimate your issues
Blame your parents
See things in black and white
Ignore other contributing factors
Label yourself or others
Focus only on the negative
Misunderstand disorganized attachment
Take self-diagnosis too seriously
Diagnose everyone around you
Be unrealistic about treatment
Explore this theory with curiosity and compassion. Want to learn more? Check out some of our related articles below:
How Your Attachment Style Influences Your Sex Life
How Does Your Attachment Style Affect You At Work?
Approach for Healing Attachment Disturbances
The Four Attachment Styles & Their Role in Relationships
Secure Attachment: The 5 Conditions for Raising a Secure Child
Anxious Attachment Deep Dive
Avoidant Attachment: Causes & Symptoms
Disorganized Attachment Deep Dive
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Sources:
This blog post is based on an interview with our partner, attachment specialist Paula Sacks. The information provided stems from Paula’s expertise in attachment and her personal and professional experience as a mental health practitioner.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.com
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