The winter holidays are supposed to bring peace on earth and goodwill to all—especially to those we love. Yet, as much as we cherish our family members, our relationships with them are not always easy. Interpersonal conflicts are natural in every family. If you have an insecure attachment style, these dynamics might feel even more complicated.

To inspire and encourage you to make the most of this year’s holidays, we’ll explore:

• Why interpersonal conflicts happen more often during the holidays.

• Secure conflict resolution strategies to use during the holidays.

• Actions you can take to protect your well-being.

Why Do Interpersonal Conflicts Happen More Often During the Holidays?

Interpersonal conflicts are a normal part of family dynamics. However, the increased consumption of alcohol and food, along with the forced togetherness during Christmas and New Year’s Eve, can lead to irritation, hurt feelings, and even major blow-ups.

Approximately one-third of the world’s population has an insecure attachment style. Insecure attachment often stems from caregivers who were themselves insecurely attached, which may lead to poor communication and conflict resolution patterns. As a result, insecure attachers may struggle to express their concerns or frustrations effectively, contributing to tension and stress that can ultimately ruin the festive mood.

Why Does Secure Attachment Make a Difference?

Individuals with secure attachment tend to have had positive caregiver interactions. This experience often makes them more expressive and able to communicate their needs. These skills can prevent interpersonal conflicts from escalating. Interestingly, anxious individuals are often as expressive as those with secure attachment, but their lack of composure may inadvertently fuel conflicts.

The good news? Even if you aren’t securely attached, you can learn the skills needed to manage conflicts effectively, using strategies inspired by secure attachers. Just remember: mitigating family conflicts doesn’t mean compromising your own well-being. Below, we’ve outlined strategies to help you create a peaceful atmosphere while protecting your mental health.

Secure Conflict Resolution Strategies for the Holidays

#1: Resolve Pre-Existing Conflicts Before the Holidays

If possible, address any unresolved issues with family members before the holiday gatherings. Use your best judgment—sometimes, attempting to resolve a long-standing issue may make things worse. But if it’s something that can be cleared up, dealing with it beforehand can make for a more peaceful holiday season.

#2: Adopt a Positive Attitude

Our past experiences can often shape our expectations for the holidays. While it’s natural to feel wary based on previous conflicts, try to approach the holidays with a positive mindset. Expecting conflict can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, whereas anticipating a good time makes it more likely to happen.

#3: Accept Your Family for Who They Are

No family is perfect. Even if you have a positive attitude, conflicts may still arise. Try to accept your family members for who they are—flaws and all. Focus on their positive attributes, and consider making a list of their good qualities before heading home for the holidays.

Strategies to Use During the Holidays

#4: Choose Your Battles

Accepting your family’s flaws means recognizing that some issues aren’t worth pursuing. Ask yourself if an interpersonal conflict is truly worth addressing. Sometimes, it’s better to manage your feelings internally by practicing deep breathing, stepping away, or simply choosing forgiveness.

#5: Communicate Positively

Tone and body language matter during a conflict. Avoid sarcasm, insults, or accusatory language. Instead, use clear and neutral statements. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I’d like to contribute my thoughts too.”

#6: Empathy is Key

Try to understand what others are feeling. Secure attachers often display high emotional intelligence, which means they’re able to interpret others’ emotions without provoking further conflict. Empathy is a critical tool for de-escalating tense situations.

#7: Listen Actively

When someone is speaking, make sure you are truly listening—not just waiting for your turn to talk. Active listening involves paying attention to what the other person is saying and responding in a way that acknowledges their points.

#8: Keep Emotions in Check

During a conflict, do your best to keep your emotions from dominating your responses. This can be particularly challenging for those with anxious or disorganized attachment, but using techniques like deep breathing and active listening can help you stay balanced.

#9: Recognize the Other Person’s Flaws

Remember that everyone is flawed. During a conflict, remind yourself that the other person may also be stressed or anxious. Using internal phrases like, “They might be feeling overwhelmed too,” can help foster empathy rather than anger.

#10: Focus on Resolving Conflicts, Not Being Right

As Mahatma Gandhi once said, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” Sometimes, agreeing to disagree is the best solution. Try to find a resolution that is satisfactory for everyone rather than pushing to prove you are right.

Further Steps to Protect Your Well-Being

Make an Escape Plan

Your well-being comes first. Before attending any holiday gatherings, create an escape plan that includes places you can go, people you can contact, and activities that soothe you. This isn’t about expecting conflict; it’s about being prepared.

Recognize What’s Happening

If you’re familiar with warning signs of conflict, keep an eye out for them. Recognizing these signs early can help you manage your response before a major blow-up happens.

Set Boundaries Early On

When someone crosses a line, assertively communicate your boundaries. For example: “Raising your voice makes me anxious. If you lower your tone, I’d be happy to continue talking.” Follow through with your boundaries if they aren’t respected.

Know When to Leave

Your safety—emotional or physical—is important. Excessive drinking, aggressive behavior, or any kind of abuse should not be tolerated. If these situations arise, remove yourself immediately.

Conclusion

Interpersonal conflict is a part of every family, especially for those with insecure attachment styles. However, you can manage these conflicts by modeling the behaviors of secure attachers—diffusing tension before it escalates.

If you’d like more tips for navigating the holidays, check out our other blog posts:

• Holiday Socializing Tips for Your Attachment Style

• How to Plan Ahead to Avoid Holiday Stressors: Tips for Insecure Attachers

Not sure of your attachment style? Take our free quiz and find out today!

Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.com