Not every close relationship we form is an attachment bond—and not everyone we love is an attachment figure. When we talk about attachment theory and attachment styles, we often refer to relationships between infants and caregivers, as well as between long-term romantic partners.
In many cases, our parents and intimate partners are our attachment figures, and the relationships we have with them are, indeed, attachment bonds. But these bonds are special, and they aren't present in every relationship we have.
In this post, we'll help you understand attachment bonds a bit better, answering questions like:
What is an attachment bond?
What are the two types of attachment bonds?
How do attachment bonds form?
What exactly is an attachment figure?
What’s the difference between attachment interactions and affiliation interactions?
Let’s dive in!
What’s an Attachment Bond?
“When an attachment bond is broken, we feel intense distress that’s much stronger than what we would feel when separated from someone we don’t have an attachment bond to.”
An attachment bond is the foundation of our most intimate relationships. Though this bond might not always be evident, it becomes unmistakably clear when one of the partners feels distressed or threatened.
There are many types of bonds we form with others, but attachment bonds are unique. When an attachment bond is broken—for example, when we lose or are separated from an attachment figure—we feel an intense distress far beyond what we would feel if separated from someone without that bond.
The Two Types of Attachment Bonds
Attachment bonds can form between infants and their caregivers, as well as between intimate partners. Interestingly, these two types of bonds have many similarities. Shaver and his colleagues (1988) even conceptualized a parallel between the two.
In both types of attachment bonds, we see the following:
Displays of affection, like touching, smiling, or kissing.
A desire to be close to the attachment figure in times of need.
Anxiety and sadness when separated, and happiness and relief when reunited.
Both types of bonds rely heavily on attunement and responsiveness. When our attachment figures are sensitive to our needs, attentive, and responsive, we feel secure in the relationship.
How Do Attachment Bonds Form?
Attachment bonds form through repeated experiences of emotional attunement and support. When attachment figures are consistent and reliable in providing attention, love, and support, an attachment bond grows stronger. Conversely, if they are inconsistent or unreliable, we may feel distressed, leading to clingy or anxious behaviors in an attempt to secure their attention.
Over time, if our needs continue to be unmet, we might begin detaching ourselves from the attachment figure, effectively deactivating our longing for connection.
These processes are similar for infants and adults, playing a role in both caregiver relationships and adult romantic bonds.
What Is an Attachment Figure?
An attachment figure serves three key roles in our emotional life:
A Go-To Person: Whenever we feel the need for connection, we naturally turn to the attachment figure and seek closeness.
A Safe Haven: When we feel anxious, threatened, or insecure, the attachment figure provides safety—through reassurance, protection, attention, and support.
A Secure Base: The attachment figure’s presence helps us feel safe enough to explore the world, secure in the knowledge that we have a reliable person to turn to when needed.
Attachment figures are often parents, but they could also be grandparents, siblings, close friends, partners, or even therapists. In adolescence and adulthood, coaches, coworkers, and religious or symbolic figures can also serve as attachment figures.
Attachment vs. Affiliation
John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, distinguished between attachment and affiliation systems—both of which involve how we relate to others. However, they serve different purposes.
Attachment interactions usually happen when we feel distressed or threatened. We turn to an attachment figure to restore our sense of safety.
Affiliation interactions, on the other hand, happen when we are calm and secure. They are about having fun, socializing, or sharing information.
Key Differences:
Attachment interactions happen when we’re distressed; affiliation interactions occur when we’re calm.
Attachment interactions are exclusive to a specific figure; affiliation interactions can involve anyone.
Attachment relationships persist over time and involve strong emotional bonds, while affiliation relationships are more casual and shorter-term.
Affiliation Within Attachment Relationships
Attachment and affiliation can coexist within the same relationship. For instance, you might go grocery shopping with your mother, see a movie with your partner, or have a casual chat with your therapist. These are examples of affiliation interactions within an attachment relationship. The attachment bond may not be actively noticeable until one partner needs comfort or reassurance.
Take-Home Message
Attachment bonds are an important part of relationships, but they are not present in every single relationship we have. Not everyone we like or feel close to is an attachment figure, and not every relationship we have is an attachment bond.
These distinctions are crucial for understanding attachment theory at its core. If you’re new to the topic, don’t worry! There’s plenty more to explore. Feel free to check out our other blog posts to learn about different attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—and avoid common pitfalls when diving into attachment theory.
Sources
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory. London: Routledge.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (Second Edition). The Guilford Press.
Shaver, P. R., Hazan, C., & Bradshaw, D. (1988). Love as Attachment: The Integration of Three Behavioral Systems. Yale University Press.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.com
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