It’s all too common to give ourselves a hard time over mistakes or regrets—in fact, it can feel like second nature. But what if there was a different way?
Self-compassion is the ability to be kind to yourself. It’s about turning the same support, love, understanding, and acceptance that you would offer a dear friend inward toward yourself. Especially in tough times, treating yourself with care is a transformative act.
For most of us, showing kindness, warmth, and empathy to loved ones comes naturally. But when it comes to our own mistakes, we often turn into our harshest critics. This relentless self-judgment can feel like it’s “not a big deal,” but research shows that it actually is. Self-compassion is crucial for emotional well-being, mental peace, and even physical health [1]. When faced with stressful and difficult situations, cultivating kindness toward ourselves can reduce feelings of anxiety and depression [2].
“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.” — Charles Bukowski
Why Self-Compassion Matters
Your relationship with yourself sets the foundation for every other relationship in your life. That’s why self-compassion is a key predictor of the quality of your relationships. If you tend to be overly harsh on yourself, that might feel discouraging—but the good news is that self-compassion is something you can cultivate and grow, regardless of your starting point.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness and without judgment. It means forgiving your own mistakes, flaws, and shortcomings. In 2003, Dr. Kristin Neff developed a six-factor scale for measuring self-compassion, known as the Self-Compassion Scale (SCS) [3]. According to Neff, self-compassion involves the ability to:
Show patience, understanding, and tolerance toward your own flaws and mistakes—especially during tough times.
Believe that mistakes are a natural part of being human and that everyone struggles sometimes.
Be mindful of your emotions and maintain perspective when you’re distressed.
Avoid being harsh, judgmental, or disapproving toward yourself.
Stay connected to the world even when you feel like you’ve failed.
Let go of negative thoughts and not let them overwhelm you.
Interestingly, a study in 2020 categorized these six factors into two constructs: self-warmth and self-coldness [4]. Researchers found that these are not just opposites; they affect our mental health in different ways. Self-warmth involves treating yourself kindly, while self-coldness involves being critical and unforgiving—both significantly impact how we experience our emotional lives.
Attachment and Self-Compassion: How Are They Linked?
Our early attachment relationships shape not only how we interact with others but also how we treat ourselves. Bowlby’s attachment theory suggests that the ways our caregivers treated us as children influence our relationship with ourselves in adulthood [5, 6]. If caregivers were compassionate and supportive during distressing times, those children are likely to learn to treat themselves with similar compassion.
Compassion, particularly self-compassion, involves understanding and responding to suffering—both our own and others'. This capacity to respond well to difficult emotions is often rooted in the emotional environment we experienced in childhood [7, 8]. Caregivers who are accepting and empathetic often facilitate the formation of secure attachments, allowing children to grow up with strong emotion regulation skills. In adulthood, this can translate into greater self-compassion.
How Attachment Affects Self-Compassion
The capacity for self-compassion is strongly connected to attachment anxiety and avoidance. Research has found several links between insecure attachment and difficulties with self-compassion. People with high levels of attachment anxiety often have a negative self-view, overestimating their flaws. On the other hand, those with attachment avoidance tend to minimize their shortcomings but still may be cold and judgmental toward themselves [4].
Self-compassion and attachment styles are also linked to our quality of life and mental health. Lower levels of self-compassion—which include higher levels of self-coldness—can lead to a lower quality of life, increased self-judgment, and symptoms of depression. Cultivating self-warmth, however, is linked to better well-being.
Self-Compassion and Attachment in the Workplace
Attachment styles don’t just influence our personal lives; they also shape our experiences at work. Secure attachment is linked to better self-compassion, which in turn fosters stronger performance, greater resilience, and positive work relationships [9].
People with higher self-compassion can problem-solve more effectively without feeling overwhelmed by criticism or setbacks. Securely attached individuals are more likely to have healthier ways of coping with work-related stress, which enhances both job satisfaction and performance.
Takeaway: Why Being Kind to Yourself Matters
The inability to be kind to yourself can lead to emotional distress, strained relationships, and difficulties in both personal and professional life. On the other hand, self-kindness enhances mental health, increases optimism, and improves quality of life [1]. It helps us generate positive feelings during negative experiences, making challenges more bearable [9].
Developing self-compassion is about more than just “being nicer to yourself.” It’s a powerful character strength that can transform your life, improve your relationships, and boost your happiness. If you struggle with self-criticism, self-doubt, or find it difficult to support yourself and your loved ones, it might be time to seek guidance from a mental health professional to work on building this crucial skill.
In the end, being kind to yourself is not just a comforting idea—it’s a necessary step towards a fulfilled, resilient, and emotionally balanced life.
Attachment & Self-Compassion:
Hard time being kind to yourself: Both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
Lower levels of self-warmth: Both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
Higher levels of self-coldness: Both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
Robust link to low self-compassion: Attachment anxiety only.
Mixed findings on relationship to low self-compassion: Attachment avoidance only.
Negative link to well-being is mediated by low self-compassion: Both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
Link to lower quality of life and depressive symptoms...: Both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
...which is mediated by high levels of self-coldness: Both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
Low self-esteem and over-fixation on personal flaws and mistakes (indicator of self-coldness): Attachment anxiety only.
Lower mindfulness (indicator of low self-warmth): Both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
Positive correlations to self-judgement (indicator of self-coldness): Attachment anxiety only.
In summary, both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance are linked to difficulties with self-compassion, but there are some distinct features associated with each style. Attachment anxiety appears to have a more consistent negative impact on self-esteem and self-judgment, whereas attachment avoidance shows mixed results regarding the link to self-compassion.
References
[1] Pepping, C. A., et al. (2015). Self and Identity, 14(1), 104–117.
[2] Kirschner, H., et al. (2019). Clinical Psychological Science, 7(3), 545–565.
[3] Neff, K. D. (2003). Self and Identity, 2, 223-250.
[4] Brophy, K., et al. (2020). Journal of Affective Disorders, 260, 45–52.
[5] Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I: Attachment.
[6] Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and Loss: Volume II.
[7] Gilbert, P. (2014). British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53(1), 6–41.
[8] Gilbert, P., et al. (2017). Journal of Compassionate Health Care, 4(1).
[9] Reizer, A. (2019). Frontiers in Psychology, 10.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.org
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