Our emotional intelligence is closely linked to our attachment styles, but how exactly does an insecure attachment style affect our ability to connect with the important people in our lives?
Some people have an uncanny ability to sense what others are feeling, even without a word being spoken. This isn’t some mysterious, psychic power—it’s emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence plays a major role in how we relate to others, and it greatly impacts the success of our relationships.
What many people don’t realize is that our levels of emotional intelligence are strongly connected to our attachment styles. This means that those with insecure attachment styles may struggle to effectively manage relationship problems due to lower emotional intelligence.
In this blog post, we’ll explore:
What emotional intelligence is
The connection between emotional intelligence and attachment styles
How emotional intelligence (and attachment styles) influence our relationships
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
In a nutshell, emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, manage, and use our emotions to our advantage. Children, due to their age and lack of experience, often have low levels of emotional intelligence. For example, when they’re told they can’t play for another hour, they might throw a tantrum out of sadness or disappointment, struggling to recognize this as a temporary reaction.
In contrast, adults generally have more developed emotional intelligence. An adult returning to work after lunch might feel disappointed, but they’re able to regulate their emotions because they understand the context—they know where their emotions are coming from, and they know that free time will come again later.
Emotional intelligence is different from general intellect. You can have a very high IQ but still have a low emotional intelligence quotient (EQ). In fact, people with high IQ but low EQ often have relationship challenges because they may feel superior to others or dismiss emotions—their own and others’. On the other hand, those with high emotional intelligence (regardless of their IQ) tend to enjoy showing empathy and communicating openly.
Emotional Intelligence and Attachment Styles
Studies consistently show that attachment styles are good predictors of emotional intelligence. Secure attachment is linked to higher emotional intelligence, which helps people identify and understand both their own emotions and those of others. Insecure attachment, however, is often associated with lower emotional intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence and Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style are generally better at recognizing and handling their emotions compared to those with insecure attachment styles. This strength is largely rooted in early childhood experiences—securely attached people often felt valued, accepted, and safe as children, leading to healthy levels of self-esteem, confidence, and self-awareness.
With their higher emotional intelligence, secure attachers are typically better at managing stress. They stay calm under pressure, and they have confidence in their problem-solving skills, which helps them navigate relationship challenges more smoothly. Insecure attachers, on the other hand, may react passively or aggressively when confronted with stress, either avoiding the issue or amplifying it.
Emotional Intelligence and Avoidant Attachment
Individuals with avoidant attachment often have lower levels of emotional intelligence, especially when it comes to understanding others' emotions. Their low emotional intelligence might stem from a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others. Because avoidant attachers likely experienced rejection in their early years, they tend to avoid close relationships as adults, making social skills like empathy and social awareness harder to develop.
Emotional Intelligence and Anxious Attachment
People with anxious attachment are often hypersensitive to others’ emotions but struggle to adapt to emotional shifts. They may also lack self-awareness regarding how their actions affect others, which makes relationships challenging. In contrast, securely attached individuals tend to be more adaptable and better equipped for problem-solving.
Emotional Intelligence and Disorganized Attachment
The disorganized attachment style can exhibit traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment, leading to mixed emotional intelligence traits. People with disorganized attachment may struggle with both social awareness and self-awareness, as they can switch between avoidant and anxious behaviors.
How Emotional Intelligence Affects Relationships
Given the differences in emotional intelligence between secure and insecure attachment styles, the question arises—how does this affect relationships?
The answer is clear: emotional intelligence has a significant impact. Research shows that higher levels of emotional intelligence are associated with greater satisfaction in relationships. People with low emotional intelligence tend to struggle with accepting criticism, lack self-awareness, and are often unaware of others' feelings, making it hard to feel accepted and appreciated.
Interestingly, research indicates that emotional intelligence primarily impacts relationships for those with insecure attachment styles. Insecure attachers are more likely to struggle in relationships when they also have low emotional intelligence, as they find it difficult to manage conflict and stress in healthy ways.
Can I Improve My Emotional Intelligence?
The great news is that emotional intelligence is not fixed. It can be improved at any stage of life, even if it often increases naturally with age. While emotional intelligence can be seen as a natural gift for some, it’s also a skill that can be learned with motivation, practice, and feedback.
One effective method for boosting emotional intelligence is Mindfulness-Based Emotional Intelligence Training (MBEIT), a type of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). MBEIT uses mindfulness and language to promote positive change, encouraging individuals to better understand their emotional experiences and develop behaviors that align with personal values.
Final Words on Emotional Intelligence and Attachment
Emotional intelligence is a key tool for navigating relationships successfully. Knowing and understanding both ourselves and others is invaluable when it comes to improving our connections.
Recognizing that we may have an insecure attachment style or lower emotional intelligence isn't a life sentence—it’s an opportunity. By working on emotional intelligence, we can develop more secure behaviors and improve the quality of our relationships. We may not be able to change our genetic makeup or past experiences, but we can certainly learn to create healthier connections with others.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.org
Comments