by Treena Sather-Head, MSW, LICSW, LMHC
Understanding the Difference: Expected Outcomes vs. End Results
When working on mental health goals, relationships, or personal growth, it's important to differentiate between focusing on an expected outcome and focusing on the end result. This shift in perspective can help you navigate challenges with less frustration and more resilience. Let’s break this down:
Expected Outcome: "I Have To, I Need To, I Should/Should Not" Thinking
Definition:
An expected outcome is a specific, rigid result that you aim to achieve. It often involves clear expectations about how things must turn out.
Characteristics:
Highly specific: "I must get this job," "I need to make them happy," or "I should not make mistakes."
Rigid: Leaves little room for flexibility or unexpected outcomes.
Can be perfectionistic: Demands a particular version of success.
Potential Downsides:
Disappointment: If the outcome doesn’t match exactly what you expected, it can feel like a failure, even if progress was made.
Pressure: Creates anxiety by focusing on "what if I don’t?"
Self-criticism: When outcomes don’t align with expectations, you might judge yourself harshly.
Examples:
"I have to ace this exam."
"I need to hear my partner apologize exactly how I expect them to."
"I should have all the answers at work."
End Result: "I Get To" Thinking
Definition:
An end result is a general, flexible goal or direction that reflects personal growth, learning, or connection rather than specific outcomes.
Characteristics:
Broad and adaptable: "I want to learn something new," "I want to improve my relationships."
Focuses on process over perfection: Celebrates effort and growth.
Encourages curiosity and exploration: Embraces opportunities rather than imposing demands.
Benefits:
Resilience: You can pivot or adjust without feeling like you failed.
Self-compassion: Shifts focus from “getting it right” to appreciating progress.
Satisfaction: Creates opportunities to celebrate unexpected wins.
Examples:
"I get to challenge myself to do my best on this exam and learn from it."
"I get to work on improving communication with my partner, regardless of whether it’s perfect."
"I get to bring my unique perspective to work, even if I don’t know everything."
Comparing the Two Perspectives
Aspect | Expected Outcome | End Result |
Focus | Specific, fixed result ("must happen") | General growth or direction |
Language | "I have to," "I need to," "I should" | "I get to," "I want to," "I aim to" |
Emotional Impact | High stakes, prone to disappointment | Low stakes, encourages curiosity |
Flexibility | Rigid, less adaptable | Open-ended, allows for adjustments |
Examples | "I must succeed perfectly." | "I aim to learn and improve." |
How This Plays Out in Real Life
Scenario 1: Job Interview
Expected Outcome: "I have to get this job, or everything will fall apart."
If you don’t get the job, you might feel like a failure.
End Result: "I get to practice my interview skills and learn for the next opportunity."
Whether you get the job or not, you value the experience as growth.
Scenario 2: Apologizing to a Friend
Expected Outcome: "They must accept my apology and forgive me immediately."
If they don’t, you might feel hurt or resentful.
End Result: "I get to take responsibility for my actions and try to repair the relationship."
Even if forgiveness takes time, you focus on doing the right thing.
How to Shift Your Thinking
Recognize the Signs:
Notice when your thoughts center on rigid "musts" or "shoulds."
Reframe Expectations:
Ask yourself: "What’s the bigger purpose here?"
Shift from "I have to win" to "I get to learn from this experience."
Practice Self-Compassion:
Remind yourself that flexibility is a strength, and perfection isn’t the goal.
Celebrate Progress:
Acknowledge small wins along the way, even if the outcome isn’t exactly as expected.
By focusing on the end result, you reduce the emotional toll of unmet expectations and open yourself to a mindset of growth, curiosity, and resilience.
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