Communicating with your partner can be challenging, especially if they have an avoidant attachment style. Just when you need them most, they may create distance and withdraw, leaving you feeling hurt, frustrated, and confused.
It's important to recognize that your avoidant partner's distancing behaviors served a purpose at one point. Likely, these behaviors helped them feel safe during early life when their environment felt rejecting and unreliable. But how do you forge a stable relationship when there seems to be a breakdown in connection?
This is where understanding avoidant attachment can be incredibly helpful. By building awareness of how avoidant attachment presents in romantic relationships, as well as understanding the effects of different communication styles, you can foster a sense of safety and connection for both you and your partner.
To guide you, this article will cover:
An explanation of the avoidant communication style.
Common behaviors typically displayed by avoidant partners in relationships.
11 essential tips on how to effectively communicate with your avoidant partner.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment Communication Style & Behaviors
Partners with an avoidant attachment style often struggle to let their walls down in romantic relationships. They tend to set boundaries that keep their partner at arm's length, limiting intimacy and emotional closeness—sometimes making relationships feel "surface level."
When they feel threatened, such as during an argument or misunderstanding, avoidant partners often employ "deactivating coping strategies" to create distance. These behaviors help them (often unconsciously) suppress their emotions, protecting them from uncomfortable feelings like anxiety and pain.
When your partner emotionally "shuts down" in this way, they may come across as cold and uncaring. But remember, these actions are not malicious. They learned to protect themselves by shutting down emotionally, and these actions are a coping mechanism rather than an indication that they do not care.
In stressful situations, avoidant partners may also:
Become defensive.
Refuse to talk about the problem.
Withdraw physical contact.
Exhibit black-and-white thinking (e.g., "So I’m the bad guy, am I?").
Communicating effectively with an avoidant partner may require some adjustments, but it is possible when you adapt your communication style to suit their needs—all while balancing your own needs for a healthy relationship.
Note: Adapting your communication style is about compromise. You should never sacrifice what you (reasonably) need to feel safe and fulfilled in a relationship.
11 Tips for Communicating with an Avoidant Partner
Communicating effectively in any relationship can be challenging, especially when attachment styles come into play. But with understanding, patience, and support, it’s entirely possible to help an avoidantly attached partner open up and become more emotionally intimate. Here are eleven tips to get you started:
1. Soften Your Communication
Research suggests that using "soft" communication during conflicts has a calming effect on avoidant partners. This means:
Downplaying the seriousness of the problem.
Highlighting your partner’s positive qualities and behaviors.
Validating their emotions and perspectives.
Expressing positive feelings towards them.
This style shows your partner that you are trustworthy, helping prevent triggers like shame and guilt, and it encourages less defensiveness.
2. Avoid Guilt-Tripping
It can be easy to fall into the habit of guilt-tripping, especially when feeling hurt. But guilt-tripping (e.g., crying or sulking to convey how much their actions hurt you) is counterproductive for someone with an avoidant attachment style. They may interpret it as an attempt to control them, causing them to push further away.
3. Self-Regulate Before Communicating
When you display distress through crying or shouting, you might communicate a need for support. However, avoidant partners often interpret this as a sign of dependence, which can be overwhelming. Learning to self-regulate your emotions before communicating helps avoid triggering their attachment fears.
4. Assume Positive Intent
When your partner shuts down emotionally, it may feel like they don’t care. But remember, their actions are usually coping mechanisms they learned early in life. Assuming positive intent helps you respond with empathy and patience.
5. Make Your Partner Feel Safe
Someone with an avoidant attachment style may feel like they can’t depend on others. You can help by providing a safe space—using active listening and setting clear boundaries to foster predictability and security in the relationship.
6. Avoid Criticism by Using “I” Statements
Criticism can feel like a personal attack to anyone, but it’s especially harmful to someone with avoidant tendencies. Instead of saying, "You never tidy up," try using an "I" statement like, "I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy." This approach prevents your partner from feeling blamed or attacked.
7. Understand Both Attachment Styles
If you have an anxious attachment style, you might find yourself seeking reassurance while your avoidant partner pulls away. Recognizing this dynamic can help prevent escalating conflicts and help both of you communicate more constructively.
8. Respect Their Need for Space
Avoidant partners may need time alone during arguments, but they might struggle to ask for it. Offering to give them space shows that you respect their needs and that you’re in control of your emotions.
9. Replace Emotional Support with Instrumental Support
Avoidant partners may respond better to "instrumental support"—offering tangible assistance like helping with tasks—rather than emotional support. This avoids making them feel overly dependent, which can trigger their avoidance.
10. Practice Patience
Changing attachment patterns takes time. Patience is key—it allows your partner to make changes on their own terms, without feeling pressured or controlled.
Final Thoughts on Communicating with an Avoidant Partner
Romantic relationships are challenging for anyone, especially when one or both partners have a difficult attachment history. Avoidant partners may find it hard to let their walls down and connect emotionally, and stress can trigger their withdrawal and defensiveness.
However, by using empathy, "I" statements, avoiding criticism, and respecting their need for space, you can create an environment where your avoidant partner feels safe enough to express themselves and grow emotionally over time.
As Peter Drucker said, "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." Listening beyond the surface can make all the difference.
References
Jayamaha, S. D., Antonellis, C., & Overall, N.C. (2016). Attachment insecurity and inducing guilt to produce desired change in romantic partners. Personal Relationships, 23(2), 311–338. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12128
Johnson, S. M., & Whiffen, V. E. (1999). Made to measure: Adapting emotionally focused couple therapy to partners’ attachment styles. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(4), 366–381. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy.6.4.366
Mikulincer, M., & Florian, V. (1997). Are emotional and instrumental supportive interactions beneficial in times of stress? The impact of attachment style. Anxiety, Stress & Coping, 10(2), 109–127. https://doi.org/10.1080/10615809708249297
Overall, N. C., Simpson, J. A., & Struthers, H. (2013). Buffering attachment-related avoidance: Softening emotional and behavioral defenses during conflict discussions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(5), 854–871. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0031798
Sbarra, D. A., & Borelli, J. L. (2019). Attachment reorganization following divorce: normative processes and individual differences. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 71–75. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.03.008
Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Current Opinion In Psychology, 13, 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.org
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