Emotional dysregulation is the inability to cope with and react appropriately to intense emotions. This capacity is typically developed in childhood, shaped by the quality of our attachment relationships with caregivers. Caregivers who are attentive, responsive, and validating help children recognize, process, and express emotions in healthy ways. In contrast, caregivers who ignore or reject their child's emotional needs may hinder the development of these crucial skills, making emotional regulation more challenging later in life.
For more information on this process, check out our article on the development of emotion regulation in children.
Emotion regulation is essential for us to function independently, happily, and peacefully. Emotional dysregulation, on the other hand, can harm various aspects of our lives, particularly our romantic relationships. In this blog post, we'll explore how emotional dysregulation impacts relationships, the role of insecure attachment in these challenges, and some strategies to help an insecure partner develop better emotion regulation.
Why Is Emotional Dysregulation Affected by Attachment?
Individuals with secure attachment tend to be better equipped at regulating their emotions compared to those with insecure attachment. This is largely due to the fact that secure caregivers are sensitive and responsive to their children's needs. By validating and acknowledging their child's feelings, secure caregivers help children understand that emotions are valid and worth discussing, fostering healthy communication and emotional regulation skills.
The ability to regulate emotions as children carries over into our teenage and adult years. Our attachment style has been shown to remain relatively stable throughout our lives, continuing to influence our emotional processes. In a romantic relationship, someone with an insecure attachment may struggle with emotional dysregulation, as they revert to coping mechanisms formed in childhood—typically emotion-focused strategies rather than practical problem-solving approaches. As a result, insecure attachers may often feel misunderstood in their adult relationships, while not fully understanding why these struggles occur.
Emotion Regulation Strategies of Secure vs. Insecure Attachers
Secure Attachment: Emotion Regulation
Secure attachers are less likely to view upsetting situations as threatening. They tend to be more optimistic, not exaggerating emotional responses to conflict or distress. Secure individuals are generally confident in their ability to handle challenges and are effective problem solvers. Their upbringing, which included feeling supported and protected, has instilled in them an optimistic approach to emotional distress, allowing them to carry this sense of security into adulthood.
Insecure Attachment: Emotional Dysregulation
People with insecure attachment struggle more with identifying and understanding emotions. They often find mindfulness difficult, having experienced limited validation and availability from their caregivers. This lack of validation during childhood may lead to a greater tendency for emotional dysregulation, as they learned that others would not be available to meet their emotional needs.
While secure individuals felt protection and support from their parents, insecure attachers often did not, leaving them without the same foundation to cope with emotional challenges calmly.
Attachment Anxiety & Emotional Dysregulation
Individuals with attachment anxiety tend to exaggerate their emotional responses through coping mechanisms such as overthinking—often dwelling on negative or gloomy thoughts. They are hyper-vigilant and may find themselves frequently recalling moments of sadness or anxiety from childhood. Their intense and frequent emotional experiences make it harder for them to focus elsewhere, which hinders their ability to use problem-solving strategies effectively. When feeling threatened, they may express their need for closeness indirectly, fearing abandonment, and may employ maladaptive support-seeking behaviors like clinging or attempting to control their partner.
Attachment Avoidance & Emotional Dysregulation
Avoidant attachers tend to rely on distancing and disengaging strategies to cope with emotional distress. They often suppress memories of childhood sadness or anxiety, possibly because these memories remind them of times when their emotional needs were not supported by caregivers. "Out of sight, out of mind" is a common motto for avoidant attachers, and they frequently use distancing behaviors, even ghosting, to protect themselves from emotional rejection. This can sometimes escalate into more damaging behaviors like infidelity, as a subconscious attempt to preempt rejection.
Do Insecure Attachers Always Struggle with Emotional Dysregulation?
Although insecure attachment is often associated with emotional dysregulation, it doesn't mean that all individuals with insecure attachment will struggle indefinitely. People with attachment anxiety or avoidance may not always fall back on their typical coping patterns. These behaviors are often triggered by specific attachment threats—such as a perceived loss of proximity—but can change with growth, support, and understanding.
What Can I Do to Help My Partner's Emotional Dysregulation?
Secure partners can play a key role in helping insecure partners navigate emotional triggers and develop healthier regulation strategies. This is because secure partners help create an environment of safety, acceptance, and care, helping their insecure partners feel more grounded.
Here are a few ways to support your partner:
1. Communicate Openly
Open communication about feelings is essential for developing healthy emotional regulation. By discussing emotions openly, you help demonstrate that emotions are valid and worth discussing. Use non-confrontational language and assure your partner that you are there to listen without judgment.
2. Be Patient
Insecure attachers have often been dealing with emotional dysregulation since childhood, making their coping strategies deeply ingrained. Secure partners may struggle to understand these coping methods, which might seem irrational or strange. It’s crucial to be patient and empathetic, as this will help your partner see the ineffectiveness of their current methods and consider new approaches.
3. Be Proactive
If you notice that either of you is falling into unhealthy patterns of emotion regulation, address it sooner rather than later. Early intervention helps prevent maladaptive patterns from becoming more ingrained, and makes it easier to identify triggers and work through them effectively.
4. Practice Kindness
References
Roque, L., Veríssimo, M., Fernandes, M., Rebelo, A. (2013). Emotion regulation and attachment: Relationships with children’s secure base during different situational and social contexts in naturalistic settings. Infant Behavior and Development, 36(3), 298-306.
Waters, S.F., Virmani, E.A., Thompson, R.A., Meyer, S., Raikes, H.A., Jochem, R. (2009). Emotion Regulation and Attachment: Unpacking Two Constructs and Their Association. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 32, 37-47.
Pascuzzo, K., Cyr, C., Moss, E. (2012). Longitudinal association between adolescent attachment, adult romantic attachment, and emotion regulation strategies. Attachment & Human Development, 15(1), 83-103.
Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P.R. (2019). Attachment orientations and emotion regulation. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 6-10.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.org
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