Secure attachment is one of the most important building blocks for meaningful and fulfilling relationships throughout life. It’s a foundation for emotional resilience, warmth, and connection. In this post, we’ll explore how secure attachment forms, what it looks like in adulthood, and how you can develop it even if you didn't grow up with it.
What Is Secure Attachment?
Secure attachment is the most common attachment style in Western society. Research suggests that around 66% of the U.S. population is securely attached. People with secure attachment are often self-contented, social, warm, and approachable. They are comfortable with expressing their emotions and tend to build deep, long-lasting relationships.
Adults with a secure attachment style are often well-liked in personal, social, and professional environments, as they can relate to others with confidence and empathy. For parents wanting to raise securely attached children, understanding attachment styles and reflecting on their own attachment experiences can make a huge difference.
Here, we’ll explore some of the most common questions about secure attachment:
What is attachment theory?
How does attachment form in childhood?
What causes insecure attachment?
How can children develop secure attachment?
What are the five conditions necessary for secure attachment?
What are the signs of secure attachment in adult relationships?
Can adults develop secure attachment later in life?
What Is Attachment Theory?
If you’ve ever been to therapy, you might have noticed how often childhood experiences come up—especially when discussing relationship challenges. This focus is rooted in attachment theory, which dates back to the 1950s. According to psychiatrist John Bowlby, our early relationships with our parents or caregivers shape how we perceive and act in relationships throughout our lives.
As children, we depend on our parents for survival, which means we need to attach to them and trust they’ll care for us. When parents provide a warm and nurturing environment, children develop a secure attachment. If children feel that their needs are not met, they may develop one of the three insecure attachment styles.
Types of Attachment Styles
Beyond secure attachment, there are three insecure attachment styles:
Anxious Attachment (also called preoccupied): Characterized by clinginess and worry about abandonment.
Avoidant Attachment (also called dismissive): Characterized by emotional distance and discomfort with closeness.
Disorganized Attachment (also called fearful-avoidant): Characterized by confusion and unpredictability in relationships.
What Causes Insecure Attachment?
Insecure attachment styles are often linked to misattuned parenting, childhood trauma, or inconsistent care. These experiences can affect an individual's mental health, social skills, and ability to form stable relationships later in life. Importantly, no parent is perfect, and it’s normal for caregivers to make mistakes—this doesn’t automatically result in insecure attachment. Around two-thirds of children develop a secure attachment style despite the occasional slip-up.
How Do Children Develop Secure Attachment?
For children to develop a secure attachment, they need their caregivers to meet a few fundamental needs. A securely attached child trusts that their caregiver will be responsive to their needs—whether that’s hunger, comfort, or safety. Here are five key conditions that help foster secure attachment in children:
The Child Feels Safe
The foundation of secure attachment is a child feeling protected. A securely attached child feels that their caregiver is nearby to provide comfort when needed. This feeling of safety allows them to confidently explore their environment.
The Child Feels Seen and Known
Attuned parents are responsive to their child’s signals. When a baby cries because they’re hungry or tired, a prompt and predictable response helps the child feel in control of their environment. They know that when they express a need, it will be met.
The Child Feels Comforted and Reassured
When a child is distressed, an attuned caregiver soothes and reassures them. Over time, this experience helps the child develop the ability to self-soothe and manage their emotions.
The Child Feels Valued
Feeling valued is a cornerstone of healthy self-esteem. Parents who focus on their child’s inherent worth, rather than just their achievements, help their child develop a strong sense of self-worth.
The Child Feels Supported to Explore
Children need space to explore, and secure children feel supported by caregivers who encourage independence while staying nearby as a safety net. This balance helps them develop confidence and autonomy.
10 Signs of Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships
Secure attachment doesn’t just impact childhood—it also plays a major role in adult relationships. Here are ten common signs of secure attachment in adulthood:
Ability to regulate emotions in a relationship.
Strong goal-oriented behavior when alone.
Comfortable bonding, opening up, and trusting others.
Clarity about personal purpose and values.
Effective communication of needs.
Feeling impactful and valued in relationships.
Comfort with closeness and interdependence.
Ability to give and seek emotional support.
Comfort with being alone, using it as an opportunity for growth.
Capacity for self-reflection in relationships.
Can You Develop Secure Attachment as an Adult?
If you didn’t develop a secure attachment in childhood, don’t worry—it’s still possible to cultivate it as an adult. Understanding your attachment style is the first step toward change. Therapy, self-reflection, and even certain relationships can help shift attachment patterns over time. Learning about the different types of insecure attachment can help you recognize your own tendencies and move toward a more secure style.
If you’re interested in learning more, consider taking an Attachment Style Quiz to better understand your patterns and what you might want to work on.
"The Life Cycle of a Secure Attachment Style"
Children 👶 ➡️ Adults 😊 ➡️ Parents 👨👩👧
Children: Securely attached kids may become upset when their caregivers leave, but they respond positively to contact and seek comfort when frightened.
Adults: Secure adults show healthy and balanced behavior in their relationships. They seek emotional support from their partners and provide support in return. These adults are comfortable being on their own.
Parents: Secure parents are capable of regulating their emotions. They create a compassionate environment for their children and view their child as a separate person, showing empathy for the child's experiences.
"If you have a secure attachment style, you..."
Traits of Securely Attached Adults:
Find it easy to make social connections and bond with others, feeling confident in relationships.
Feel balanced, confident, and have a strong sense of self.
Are warm, open, straightforward, and easy-going.
Have strong self-reflection skills, are open to criticism, and work well in teams.
Are comfortable in committed relationships but also enjoy being alone.
Prefer intimacy within committed relationships rather than casual ones.
Trust and rely on others, and are comfortable discussing emotional and private topics.
Are aware of their emotions, and can balance and express them openly.
"The 5 Conditions for Secure Intimacy"
The conditions for secure relationships include:
Safety & Protection: Your partner makes you feel safe and protective of your interests.
Attunement: Your partner is attuned to your needs and your state of mind.
Soothing & Reassurance: Your partner comforts you both physically and verbally when you're upset.
Expressed Delight: Your partner expresses their joy about being with you and appreciates having you as a partner.
Support for Best Self: Your partner encourages you to develop your unique and best self.
Final Thoughts
Secure attachment is about trust—trust in others and trust in oneself. If you’re a parent, it’s comforting to know that even small, consistent acts of care can help foster secure attachment in your child. If you’re an adult wanting to develop more secure attachments, remember it’s never too late to build a strong foundation of emotional security.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Tavistock professional book. London: Routledge.
Brown, D. P., & Elliott, D. S. (2016). Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair. W.W. Norton & Co.
Keller, H. (2018). Universality Claim of Attachment Theory: Children’s Socioemotional Development Across Cultures. PNAS, 115(45), 11414-11419.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.org
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