Many people wonder how to "fix" an anxious attachment style. Although there is no simple solution, one key way to manage anxious attachment and foster healthier relationships is to learn how to self-soothe. This skill helps people with anxious attachment move forward in more balanced ways.
Understanding how to self-soothe is an essential part of emotional self-regulation—a skill that can help transform anxious attachment into a more secure attachment style. However, due to inconsistent early experiences, individuals with anxious attachment may find self-soothing difficult to develop.
Self-soothing is about becoming aware of our emotional triggers and learning healthier ways to respond. In this blog post, we will explore these triggers, common responses, and provide practical strategies to self-soothe when anxious attachment emotions arise.
Topics Covered:
What is Self-Regulation and Self-Soothing?
How Secure Attachment Handles Emotional Triggers
How Anxious Attachment Develops in Childhood
Common Relationship Triggers for Anxious Attachment
Healthy Self-Soothing Strategies
Healing the Anxious Attachment Style
Emotions can be like a compass—guiding us in the right direction. But when emotions become overwhelming, they can lead to unhealthy reactions. An anxious attachment style often results in hypersensitivity and emotional outbursts when relationships feel threatened.
The good news is that it’s possible to learn how to self-soothe anxious emotions when triggered. Over time, practicing self-soothing helps in healing anxious attachment patterns and moving toward a more secure way of relating.
What Is Self-Regulation or Self-Soothing of Anxious Attachment?
Self-soothing is the ability to manage emotions and responses when facing distressing situations. It’s an essential skill for maintaining healthy relationships, resolving conflicts, and establishing self-confidence.
The foundation for self-soothing is often laid during childhood through "co-regulation" with caregivers. In healthy dynamics, a child learns to manage their emotions through attuned and responsive interactions with a caregiver. When children don’t have these consistent experiences, they may struggle with self-regulation, which can carry into adulthood and influence attachment patterns.
How to Move from Anxious to Secure Attachment
A secure attachment style doesn’t mean someone is always in control of their emotions. However, securely attached individuals are generally skilled at self-soothing and setting boundaries. They are empathetic and emotionally balanced, which makes them feel secure in relationships.
Six Ways Securely Attached People Respond to Emotional Triggers:
Awareness: They are mindful of how their emotions and thoughts influence each other.
Communication: They talk to loved ones about what they’re feeling.
Boundary Setting: They remove themselves from emotional situations if they feel it’s becoming unmanageable.
Journaling: Writing down thoughts and feelings.
Therapy or Meditation: Seeking mindfulness and professional support.
Exercise: Engaging in physical activity to relieve stress.
For those with anxious attachment, self-soothing may look different and may require conscious effort to break old patterns.
How Does Anxious Attachment Develop?
An anxious attachment style typically forms in environments where caregivers inconsistently meet children’s needs. Caregivers may be affectionate and supportive at times but unavailable at others. This inconsistency makes children unsure of what to expect, which can lead to anxiety and self-soothing through unhealthy behaviors like acting needy, throwing tantrums, or self-sacrificing to gain attention.
Anxious attachment can manifest through behaviors such as:
Constantly thinking about the relationship
Over-focusing on potential threats (real or perceived)
Self-sacrificing to maintain closeness, leading to resentment
Acting jealous or engaging in emotional outbursts
These behaviors reflect a fear of abandonment and an effort to gain reassurance in relationships.
Healthy Self-Soothing for Anxious Attachment
Fortunately, with time and effort, it’s possible to gain control over emotions associated with anxious attachment. The following strategies can help you self-soothe and develop healthier emotional responses:
1. Recognize Your Triggers
Understanding the role of anxious attachment in your life means recognizing how your emotions are triggered. Self-awareness helps you notice when you’re escalating and choose healthier responses.
2. Model Secure Attachment Behaviors
Look to people who seem balanced and secure for guidance. Observing their reactions to emotional situations can help you visualize a healthier way of responding. Over time, this practice can strengthen new emotional pathways in your brain.
3. Communicate Openly
Expressing your emotions clearly can strengthen relationships. Instead of suppressing anger or allowing it to explode, use direct communication such as:
“I’m upset because _______. I know you didn’t mean it, but it’s bothering me.”
“I feel hurt, and it worries me about our relationship.”
“Would you mind staying in more frequent contact with me?”
4. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness means taking a moment to pause between a feeling and a reaction. Techniques like the “Five Ws” can help bring attention to the present:
Five things you see, four things you touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. This process helps you disengage from distressing emotions.
5. Challenge Negative Thought Patterns
Cognitive reframing helps you question and change unhelpful thoughts. Write down negative thoughts, challenge them, and replace them with positive alternatives.
6. Try Therapy
Working with a therapist can provide deep insight into your attachment triggers. Together, you can explore healthier ways to respond and practice emotional regulation skills.
Final Thoughts
Successfully self-soothing an anxious attachment style means taking control of your emotional responses with long-term goals in mind. By understanding your triggers, practicing mindfulness, and communicating openly, it’s possible to create healthier, more secure relationships.
While there’s no quick fix for anxious attachment, consistent practice with these strategies can bring lasting change. Therapy, mindfulness, and secure role modeling all contribute to creating healthier emotional patterns that support relationship well-being.
Remember: Self-soothing is a skill that takes time to learn, but it’s an essential part of growing toward a more secure and fulfilling attachment style.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.org
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