Difficulties in setting boundaries are often linked to attachment styles—but how exactly does an insecure attachment influence how we implement and respond to boundaries?
Saying “no” to a loved one can feel riddled with guilt. Paradoxically, it often seems that the people closest to us are the ones we have the hardest time setting limits with. Why is this?
Our attachment styles play a huge role in how we understand and communicate our needs and boundaries in relationships. To better understand how your attachment style affects your ability to set boundaries, let’s explore the following:
What boundaries are
Signs of overstepped boundaries
How boundary overstepping affects attachment styles
Four steps to better manage boundaries
Don’t know your attachment style yet? Take our free Attachment Style Quiz and discover your style in just a few minutes!
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are essentially the invisible lines we draw for ourselves about what makes us feel comfortable or uncomfortable around others. These limits help define how we allow others to treat us, both physically and emotionally. Boundaries in relationships typically come in two forms: physical and emotional.
Physical Boundaries are those associated with our bodies and personal space. They include aspects like physical touch, but also things like privacy. Someone invading your personal space or reading your text messages without permission is crossing a physical boundary.
Emotional Boundaries relate to our feelings, thoughts, and emotional well-being. They’re harder to set because they often require verbal communication or assertiveness. For instance, it may be easy not to overshare with a stranger, but setting emotional boundaries with loved ones can be more challenging. Yet doing so is crucial for balanced relationships where everyone’s needs are respected.
Overstepping Boundaries: What Does It Look Like?
We've all encountered someone who seems oblivious to others’ feelings. Think of that overly curious relative who keeps prying despite your discomfort. These types of situations can feel violating, but it’s in our closest relationships where boundary issues have the biggest impact on our well-being.
There are two main ways boundaries are overstepped within relationships: distance and intrusion. People need a healthy mix of both space and closeness to feel connected yet autonomous in relationships.
Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant attachers tend to feel intruded upon easily. Their natural need for distance often results in them perceiving their partners as being too close or invasive.
Anxious Attachment: Anxious attachers are the opposite. They feel discomfort with too much distance and may end up intruding on others’ need for space in an attempt to avoid feeling abandoned.
Disorganized Attachment: Those with disorganized attachment often have the lowest tolerance for proximity. Any sense of closeness can trigger fear of rejection or intimacy, leading them to keep others at arm’s length.
In the digital age, boundaries can be even trickier to manage. Digital behaviors like monitoring a partner’s social media or checking their phone without permission are forms of boundary overstepping, particularly for those with anxious or disorganized attachment styles. Such behaviors can make closure and trust even harder to achieve in relationships.
Four Key Steps to Managing Boundaries
Struggling with setting and maintaining boundaries can often contribute to anxiety, depression, and feelings of being unsupported. Fortunately, there are practical steps you can take to build healthier boundaries and relationships:
Discover Your Boundaries: Spend time exploring your physical and emotional boundaries. Think about your past relationships—what worked, what didn’t, and where you felt uncomfortable. Understanding your needs is the first step.
Identify Your Attachment Style: Knowing your attachment style can help you understand why certain boundaries feel challenging. If you’re not sure, take our free quiz to identify your style and learn more about how it influences your needs.
Communicate Honestly: Open and honest communication is key to setting boundaries, even though it can feel uncomfortable at times. Be clear about your limits and expectations—especially with loved ones.
Recognize You’re Not Alone: It’s common to feel like you need more space or closeness than your partner. Practicing non-judgmental communication can help both of you understand and respect each other’s needs better.
Final Thoughts on Attachment and Boundaries
Setting boundaries is a foundational part of creating healthy, balanced relationships. Understanding how your attachment style affects your boundaries can empower you to communicate your needs more effectively. Whether it’s avoiding intrusion or seeking more connection, being aware of yourself and your attachment needs is a powerful tool in building satisfying relationships.
If you’re looking for more guidance, explore our workbooks on insecure attachment styles, filled with exercises to help you improve your relationships and mental well-being.
References
Fox, J., Warber, K.M. (2014). Social Networking Sites in Romantic Relationships: Attachment, Uncertainty, and Partner Surveillance on Facebook. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 17(1), 3–7.
Kaitz, M., Bar-Haim, Y., Lehrer, M., Grossman, E. (2010). Adult attachment style and interpersonal distance. Attachment & Human Development, 6(3), 285-304.
Katherine, A. (1993). Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. Simon and Schuster.
Katherine, A. (2013). Boundaries in an Overconnected World: Setting Limits to Preserve Your Focus, Privacy, Relationships, and Sanity. New World Library.
Hawkins, D. (2007). Dealing with CrazyMakers in Your Life: Setting Boundaries in Unhealthy Relationships. Harvest House Publishers.
Lavy, S., Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P.R. (2010). Autonomy-proximity imbalance: An attachment theory perspective on intrusiveness in romantic relationships. Personality and Individual Differences, 48(55), 552-556.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.org
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