From a young age, we are taught that forgiveness is the 'right thing to do.' Yet, forgiving someone can feel much easier said than done, especially when that person has caused significant pain. If you've experienced this recently and are struggling with letting go of the past, this article may offer some guidance.
Our aim is to help you let go of the past and learn how to forgive through six science-based tips. By doing so, you may find yourself free from the emotional baggage that holding on to resentment creates. After all, as Oscar Wilde once said:
"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much."
Tip #1: Acknowledge That Letting Go Is Hard
The first step might be the hardest: simply accepting that letting go isn't easy. If you find yourself prone to holding grudges or struggling with forgiveness in the past, it is important to be patient with yourself in the present. True forgiveness requires confronting the origins of the conflict and processing all the uncomfortable emotions that come with it.
Forgiveness also means welcoming vulnerability. Though this may feel intimidating, vulnerability can help foster greater honesty, mutual trust, and open communication. Remember, there are no deadlines for forgiving. It is okay to find it challenging, and it is essential to be gentle with yourself along the way.
Tip #2: Reflect on How Attachment Styles Play a Role
Our attachment styles can influence how we navigate emotions and relationships, including how we handle forgiveness. Let’s take a closer look:
Secure Attachment: Those with secure attachment often approach emotional conflicts more rationally. They are more likely to regulate their emotions, which can make forgiving easier. This can lead to longer-lasting and stronger relationships.
Insecure Attachment: Insecure attachers may struggle to handle emotional conflicts effectively. For avoidant individuals, conflicts often lead to avoidance, making forgiveness difficult. For those high in attachment anxiety, forgiveness may come too quickly, motivated by the need to restore balance. However, this external forgiveness may not bring real emotional relief.
If you're unsure about your attachment style, it may be helpful to explore this aspect of yourself. Knowing your attachment tendencies can shed light on why forgiveness is difficult and how to move forward.
Tip #3: Sometimes, All It Takes Is 20 Seconds of Courage
When conflicts arise, talking about them can feel overwhelming. If you fear confrontation or hurting the other person, it may help to ask yourself why. Understanding the root of your fears can empower you to open up, even if it's hard.
It might only take 20 seconds of courage to start the conversation, but this step is crucial for moving forward. Research suggests that forgiveness can be empowering—it allows you to take control of your experience, acknowledge your hurt, and still make space for healing.
Tip #4: Understand How Past Actions Affect Future Relationships
The past has a way of creeping into our present and influencing future relationships. Carrying unresolved pain into a new relationship can lead to a pattern of inadequate connections. This emotional baggage often affects our behaviors, making it even harder to form healthy attachments.
On the bright side, this also means that consistent inner work can help transform an insecure attachment into a secure one. Healing is always possible with effort and patience.
Tip #5: Don’t Forget to Forgive Yourself
Forgiveness isn't always about the other person—sometimes, it's about forgiving yourself. Conflict often involves both parties, and while it's important to forgive others, it’s equally important to let yourself off the hook.
Even if you weren’t in the wrong, feeling anger, guilt, or shame can be a heavy burden. Self-forgiveness allows you to let go of these negative emotions and accept that it's okay to feel hurt, no matter how much you loved the other person. There is no right or wrong way to heal.
Tip #6: Don’t Be Afraid to Reach Out for Help
If you find that the emotions are too overwhelming to handle alone, consider seeking help. Therapists can offer guidance on emotional regulation and support you as you navigate the process of letting go.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is particularly helpful for resolving relationship conflicts and addressing attachment injuries. Everyone struggles with forgiveness at times, and there is no shame in asking for support when you need it.
Conclusion: The Strength in Letting Go
Two things are important to remember about forgiveness:
Forgiveness isn’t about letting someone else off the hook – it’s about freeing yourself. Holding onto resentment only keeps you stuck in negative emotions.
Forgiveness makes you stronger – learning how to let go of the past doesn’t make you a victim; it makes you resilient.
Moving forward and forgiving may be one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. Though it might be tempting to hold grudges, remember that none of it is worth sacrificing your peace of mind. Forgiveness opens the door to vulnerability, honesty, and ultimately, healing. Remember, even broken bones grow back stronger—the same can be true for our relationships.
References
McCullough, M., Worthington, E., Rachal, K. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(2), 321–336.
Lawler-Row, K.A., Younger, J.W., Piferi, R.L., Jones, W.H. (2006). The Role of Adult Attachment Style in Forgiveness Following an Interpersonal Offense. Journal of Counseling and Development, 84(4), 493–502.
Maio, G.R., Thomas, G., Fincham, F.D., Carnelley, K.B. (2008). Unraveling the role of forgiveness in family relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 307–319.
Makinen, J. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2006). Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: Steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1055–1064.
Raj, P., Elizabeth, C.S., Padmakumari, P. (2016). Mental health through forgiveness: Exploring the roots and benefits. Cogent Psychology, 3(1), 1153817.
Yao, D.J., Chao, M.M. (2019). When Forgiveness Signals Power: Effects of Forgiveness Expression and Forgiver Gender. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 45(2), 310-324.
Cozzarelli, C., Karafa, J.A., Collins, N.L., Tagler, M.J. (2003). Stability and change in adult attachment styles: associations with personal vulnerabilities, life events, and global construals of self and others. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 22(3), 315–336.
Hall, J.H., Fincham, F.D. (2005). Self-Forgiveness: The Stepchild of Forgiveness Research. Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(5), 621-637.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.org
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