Breakups are undoubtedly emotional rollercoasters. Just when you think you’re over the roughest patch and beginning to feel better, without warning, you drop back down to feeling miserable. This seesaw of emotions often happens because breakups threaten our inherent need to belong. As social beings, we not only need to feel connected to others, we crave it.
How we manage these emotions can often be influenced by our attachment style. However, it's important to remember that our attachment styles are not the sole determinants of how we handle breakups—our circumstances, personalities, and the nature of our relationships all play significant roles. Nevertheless, understanding attachment styles can help us identify patterns in our emotional responses.
This blog post will explore:
What emotion regulation is
Why emotion regulation is crucial during breakups
How insecure attachment styles can affect emotional regulation during a breakup
Coping strategies associated with different attachment styles
Whether it matters if you’re the one ending the relationship or the one being left
Let’s dive into these essential aspects of emotion regulation during breakups and learn some valuable tips for healthy healing.
What is Emotion Regulation?
Emotion regulation is our ability to cope with and respond to situations that trigger our emotions. We use emotion regulation strategies every day to manage demanding circumstances and prevent ourselves from being overwhelmed by our emotions. Effective emotion regulation helps us maintain balance and prevents our emotions from taking over our lives.
In contrast, emotion dysregulation occurs when we fail to successfully manage our emotions. This often leads to unhealthy methods of coping, such as overindulgence, avoidance, or reliance on maladaptive habits like binge eating or substance use.
Why is Emotion Regulation Important During Breakups?
Breakups are emotionally challenging for most people. Everyday reminders of an ex-partner seem to appear everywhere—their face in a stranger on the street, a song on the radio, or familiar places like coffee shops and parks. These reminders often trigger a mix of psychological and physiological symptoms such as anxiety, grief, depression, and sleep disturbances. Healthy emotion regulation helps us manage these difficult emotions and prevents us from spiraling into overwhelming sadness or frustration.
Insecure Attachment & Emotion Regulation During Breakups
Our ability to handle difficult emotions during a breakup is often influenced by the attachment style we developed with our primary caregiver(s). Adults with an insecure attachment style tend to experience higher levels of anxiety, grief, and sadness compared to those with a secure attachment style. They may find it particularly challenging to accept that their partner is no longer available to provide comfort and support.
Attachment insecurities often predispose individuals to rely on emotion-focused coping strategies, which may result in dwelling excessively on negative emotions rather than working through them in a balanced way. This can lead to a state of emotional dysregulation where it becomes difficult to restore emotional balance.
Attachment Styles and Coping Strategies
Research identifies three main attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—each associated with distinct coping strategies during breakups:
Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style are generally more comfortable expressing emotions and seeking support. During a breakup, they tend to communicate openly with their ex-partner and lean on friends and family for support, which facilitates healthy processing of emotions.
Anxious Attachment: Those with anxious attachment often struggle to regulate intense emotions, exaggerate their feelings in an attempt to gain a response, and may even forgive harmful behaviors, such as infidelity, out of fear of being abandoned. This under-regulation of emotions can lead to emotional exhaustion and dependence.
Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with avoidant attachment often suppress their emotions and withdraw from social situations. They may pretend everything is fine or avoid reminders of the relationship entirely. This over-regulation can lead to pent-up emotions that eventually explode, resulting in an emotional spiral.
Does It Matter If You’re the One Ending the Relationship?
Research suggests that breakups tend to be harder for the person being left than for the person ending the relationship. The individual being left may still need their partner's love and support, especially if they are highly anxious or insecure in their attachment.
Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Reflection on a Breakup?
While reflecting on a past relationship can aid in personal growth and closure, over-reflection can be harmful, particularly for those with anxious attachment styles. Dwelling excessively on worst-case scenarios and negatives can lead to emotional dysregulation and make the breakup even harder to manage.
Tips for Healthy Emotion Regulation During Breakups
In summary, secure attachment strategies are typically the healthiest approaches for managing emotions during breakups. Here are a few tips inspired by secure coping strategies:
Communicate Openly: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Open communication can make it easier to process your emotions and move on in a healthy manner.
Be Sensible: If a breakup is amicable, avoid escalating the situation unnecessarily. Understand when a strong reaction is appropriate, but also know when it’s better to let go with grace.
Put Yourself First: Prioritize self-care. Take time to nurture yourself, whether it means engaging in activities you enjoy or seeking support from loved ones or a mental health professional.
Final Thoughts on Insecure Attachment and Emotion Regulation During Breakups
Breakups are an inevitable part of life, yet they can still be deeply painful. If you're struggling to cope, reach out to friends, family, or a mental health practitioner for support. Remember, the relationship you have with yourself is the most important one—focus on cultivating that relationship, and all others will follow.
References
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., & Vernon, M. L. (2003). Physical, emotional, and behavioral reactions to breaking up: The roles of gender, age, emotional involvement, and attachment style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(7), 871–884.
Fagundes, C. P. (2011). Getting over you: Contributions of attachment theory for postbreakup emotional adjustment. Personal Relationships, 19(1), 37–50.
Gillath, O., Bunge, S. A., Shaver, P. R., Wendelken, C., & Mikulincer, M. (2005). Attachment-style differences in the ability to suppress negative thoughts: Exploring the neural correlates. NeuroImage, 28(4), 835–847.
Heshmati, R., Zemestani, M., & Vujanovic, A. (2021). Associations of childhood maltreatment and attachment styles with romantic breakup grief severity: The role of emotional suppression. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 1–22.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.org
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