What is Anxious Avoidant Attachment?
The anxious avoidant attachment style, also known as avoidant attachment in adulthood, usually develops in the first 18 months of life. During this crucial period, a child may experience caregivers who are consistently emotionally unavailable or rejecting when it comes to their emotional needs. This creates an environment where the child learns to suppress their emotions to avoid rejection.
Caregivers of children who develop an anxious avoidant attachment style often exhibit a pattern of behavior that disregards the child’s emotional needs. They may not respond to their child's cues, behave in a "cold" manner, or even shame their child for expressing emotions—both positive and negative.
How Attachment Styles Form in Childhood
Attachment styles are formed through the bond between a child and their caregivers. A child’s expectations about the world are shaped by how their caregivers meet their emotional and physical needs. This affects everything from their thoughts and actions to how they socialize and form relationships throughout their lives.
When a caregiver repeatedly fails to meet the emotional needs of a child, as often happens with anxious avoidant attachment, the child learns to expect emotional neglect. This leads to behaviors that prioritize independence and emotional suppression as a means to cope.
If you’re curious about how secure and insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) form, you can check out our article on insecure attachment for more insights.
How Does Anxious Avoidant Attachment Develop?
When a child perceives that their caregivers are not emotionally present, they start to believe that seeking comfort is futile. This is especially common when a caregiver's behavior is cold or dismissive, pushing the child to develop a premature sense of independence. Over time, the child shuts down their attachment system—meaning they stop seeking out comfort and emotional connection, as they have learned it will not be met.
Interestingly, this isn’t always intentional neglect. Often, caregivers who exhibit these behaviors were raised in similar environments themselves. This means insecure attachment is often passed down through generations, forming a cycle of transgenerational trauma.
Common behaviors of caregivers who foster anxious avoidant attachment include:
Physically distancing themselves from their child when the child is distressed.
Shaming their child for displaying emotions.
Expecting unrealistic levels of independence from their child.
Using punitive language like, “Stop crying,” or, “Grow up.”
Ignoring their child’s cues or cries for comfort.
How Does a Child with Anxious Avoidant Attachment Perceive Their Caregiver?
Children with anxious avoidant attachment learn that seeking comfort from their caregivers doesn’t lead to anything positive. As a result, they suppress their natural desire for affection. They disconnect from their emotional needs to avoid the rejection, scorn, or punishment they’ve learned to expect.
This suppression of emotions allows anxious avoidant children to maintain at least one attachment need: physical proximity to their caregiver. By shutting down emotionally, they avoid the conflict and rejection they anticipate, but they still ensure their caregiver remains physically present, which is crucial to their survival instincts.
Over time, these children develop a false sense of independence, believing that they do not need emotional support from others. This self-reliance may continue well into adulthood.
How Does an Anxious Avoidant Child Behave?
In the well-known Strange Situation experiment by Mary Ainsworth in 1969, researchers observed children’s reactions when their caregivers left and returned. Some children avoided or resisted contact upon reunion, even though they were visibly distressed during the separation. These children were classified as having an anxious avoidant attachment style.
While these children appeared outwardly independent and unaffected by their caregiver’s absence, physiological assessments revealed that they were just as distressed as securely attached children. The difference is that anxious avoidant children learn not to show it.
Anxious avoidant children often come across as "little adults," appearing highly self-reliant and rarely seeking emotional closeness. However, beneath the surface, they still experience the need for connection, though they may struggle to express it.
Some common behaviors of an anxious avoidant child include:
Resisting comfort from caregivers.
Seeming highly independent.
Avoiding showing any need for affection.
Feeling more anxious than they appear outwardly.
Seeking physical proximity to caregivers without engaging emotionally.
How Can We Foster Secure Attachment?
Raising a child with a secure attachment style requires a careful balance of support and space. Every caregiver and child is unique, and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. It’s essential for caregivers to be responsive to their child’s cues and to provide consistent love, attention, and emotional availability.
Children rely on their caregivers for emotional and physical nurturance, especially in the first few years of life. By recognizing and responding to their child’s signals, caregivers can create a foundation for a secure attachment that supports emotional well-being.
Final Thoughts on Anxious Avoidant Attachment
Anxious avoidant attachment develops in early childhood when a caregiver is consistently unavailable or rejecting. This can lead to a child learning to shut down emotionally and become prematurely independent. As adults, these individuals may find it challenging to rely on others or maintain close relationships, but it is possible to heal and move toward a more secure attachment style.
Healing often begins with understanding your own attachment style and working on healthier ways of connecting with others—either through self-reflection, learning about coping methods, or considering professional support.
FAQs
How can I heal anxious avoidant attachment?
Healing from an anxious avoidant attachment style involves understanding your triggers, developing healthy coping methods, and possibly seeking therapy. It’s important to note that individuals with avoidant attachment don’t necessarily need "fixing," but if your attachment style is affecting your quality of life, healing can help foster better relationships.
What causes anxious avoidant attachment?
This attachment style usually forms in response to how a child’s needs are perceived to be rejected by their primary caregiver, especially in the early years. However, insecure attachment can also form later in life due to changing relationships or circumstances.
Do I have an anxious avoidant attachment?
If you’re curious about your attachment style, consider taking an attachment quiz for a comprehensive report.
Further Reading
Want to learn more? Check out our articles on avoidant attachment in adult relationships and secure attachment from childhood to adult relationships.
Sources
Bowlby, J. (2012). A Secure Base: Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory. London: Routledge.
Brown, D. P., Elliott, D. S. (2016). Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair. New York: W.W. Norton.
Salter, M. D., Ainsworth, M. C., Blehar, E. W., Wall, S. N. (2015). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. New York: Taylor & Francis.
Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.org
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